Róisín Ingle's opening sentences drive me SPARE!

I have been reading the I.T. Magazine on Saturday: despite the fact that lately I learned it was designed for their female readers. Normally that kind of comment would make me think I should unsubscribe.

Almost all readings result in a rush of blood to me head as a result of Róisín's terrible opening sentences.

When I was in the print business I was told repeatedly, “open with a hook to hold the reader” and later in the article come back and explain the hook.

An example is the title on this piece. Simple short and I hope it was enough to make you read further.

Today I am in so much of a fury that I decided to Blog: so I must explain the reason for that.

“The Fair Play Café in Ringsend, Dublin is one of those places a bit off the beaten track but well worth a diversion if you find yourself in the area and in need of sustenance, physical or spiritual.”

I was a struggle but I got there.

What's wrong with this.

The Fair Play Café in Ringsend, Dublin, is one of those places that is a bit off the beaten track. It is well worth a diversion: if you find yourself in the area, and in need of sustenance, physical or spiritual.

It even has the : to indicate a conclusion comment to the foregoing statement and for good measure is even followed by a list, an explanation to support the statement.

My God! I read that and I sound like a Victorian Schoolmistress!

A Victorian Schoolmistress’ Rules of Punctuation

Sentences start with a Capital letter,
So as to make your writing better.
Use a full stop to mark the end.
It closes every sentence penned.
The comma is for short pauses and breaks,
And also for the lists the writer makes.
Dashes – like these – are for thoughts by the way.
They give extra information (so do brackets, we may say).
These two dots are colons: they pause to compare.
They also do this: list, explain and prepare.
The semicolon makes a break; followed by a pause.
It does the job of words that link; it’s also a short pause.
An apostrophe shows the owner of anyone’s things,
And it’s also used for shortenings. I'm so glad! He’s so mad! We’re having such a lark!
To show strong feelings use an exclamation mark!
A question mark follows What? When? Where, Why? And how?
Do you? Can I? Shall we? Give us your answer now!
“Quotation marks” enclose what is said
Which is why they are sometimes called “speech marks” instead.