What it says, may not be what it was meant to say.

Now and then I get giggly, when I see notices in shops or on products.

Today I saw a “self assembly birdhouse”: wow I thought that's cool. Get the birds to do the job.

On a tin of fence paint it said “apply in two coats”: I thought it's too warm today to be painting the fence while wearing a sport coat and an overcoat.

I saw a sign in a butchers shop “Pet Mince”: I asked could I bring My Old Pet in to be minced. I added . “But the next time I'm in with ,my pet, the wife don't tell her I asked you to mince her up.

I talked to a man about insulation that goes in cavity walls in a house and he gave me a Brochure that said they would improve on poorly fitted insulation instilled in the early 80's.

The one that give me the biggest laugh is a notice on a box that says “Other side Up”. I thought a box had a top and a bottom and sides: so what do they want me to do? .

This weekend I'm invited to a “Surprise Party”. Does this mean, it's not going to be for me?

I get cross with “Crosswords” that do not have any cross words in the solutions or clues.

No Matches and Laces to sell: so I have to write..

Chatter was elated.

He had won the contest to be selected as supreme leader of the forest communities. It had been a hard fought campaign, but finally he had wrestled the leadership from Warthog. Well to be truthful, from the descendants of Warthog, who had tired and withdrawn from leadership of the ground dwellers, leaving them confused and bewildered so that an opportunity for change arose and now the tree inhabitants were in control.

Well almost in control, he had to make alliances with others: particularly the group that contained that Neighing Nuisance from the south east fields. Neighing was another of those who had once pulled his weight in leadership and maintaining progress, but he too tired and now only neighed annoyingly from his stall when it amused him to put his spake in.

The new leader Squirrel, a half-half: sometimes ground dwelling and at other times high flying towards the small fragile topmost branches. But Chatter noted he seldom climbed right to the top, always hesitated when the hot sun warmed his fur, or the rain plopped onto his back, and then turned and withdrew to a lower safer branch. He was often joined there by his friends, new friends, not all of them squirrels: to gnaw on a nut, or worm of wisdom or two.

Now Chatter flitted from tree to tree: from solitary chimney pot to castle ruins, chattering his message to his subjects, often changing his chatter, when he suspected that the dwellers in the nests, or in the hidey holes in stone walls, or in the cracks in crumbling masonry might need a different soothing message.

There would be time enough to leak out the bad news, not now, when it might spoil his triumph.

Weasel, had advised this strategy: adding that now was not the time for the early bird to try and consume the early worm. She warned him there could still be a sting in the worm's tail, if he approached head on: better to sneak up on the problem later, from the back.

Weasel had knowledge in such matters.

Irish Household Tax Act: very confusing, not clear at all.

 What Civil Servant drafts this rubbish legislation:  the Household Tax Act says:-

A residential property shall not, for the purposes of this Act, be regarded as a relevant residential property where the property—(a) has been completed but not sold by the person who has

constructed the property, or who has had the property constructed,

So this means that if your house is a self -build you don't have to pay the Irish Household Tax.

It must be read as that: otherwise the act would say-

A residential property shall not, for the purposes of this Act, be regarded as a relevant residential property where the property— has been completed but not sold by the person who has constructed the property, or who has had the property constructed, and that property is not occupied as a dwelling.

It's very unclear as the Act has been published and I'm sure very much open to interpretation, but what annoys me is why are the so called journalists not commenting on any of this.

I'm coming to a realisation that no one in Ireland can speak or understand, or write the Queen's English any more.

It's also no wonder that solicitors, barristers, and other law professionals make fortunes arguing about words like this that can be construed to have different meanings than they appear to have at first glance.

Household Tax: The Devil is in the detail!

Hey!  I just found out that if you live in a tree house or a house on stilts you are not libel for the Irish Property Tax. I am not joking it says so in the Act.

... a structure or erection of any kind and of any materials, or any part of that structure or erection, but excludes a structure that is not permanently attached to the ground, a vessel and a vehicle (whether mobile or not);

Does this mean you can live in your car in the garden, or in a mobile home and be exempt?

And I also heard a load of untruths from Government spokespersons about the Revenue Commissioners setting the valuation for your house: but the act says:-

“chargeable value”, in relation to a relevant residential property, means the price which the unencumbered fee simple of the property might reasonably be expected to fetch on a sale in the open market were that property to be sold on the valuation date

And the Act goes on to suggest:- ( is the Act saying you should unlawfully inflate the price if you were selling the house)  and subject to such conditions as might reasonably be calculated to obtain for the vendor the best price for the property

And then when you present the house value you think is reasonable to the Revenue Commissioners: what happens? Nothing they accept your valuation. They do! It says so in the Act.

where a liable person— makes a self-assessment ... and pays the amount of the self-assessment, the Revenue Commissioners shall not seek to displace the self-assessment by the making of a Revenue assessment.

Politicians and their little helpers!

All the blather going on reminds me of an encounter I had with a prominent NCD ex-politician and a retinue of canvassers during the second EU referendum on the treaty. Was that as far back as 2009?

I read all the information on the first attempt, including the thousands of words of drivel, it was proposed we would insert into our constitution. I considered it a bridge too far and voted NO.

Next time around the insertion was smaller more concise and one that if given a little relish I could just about swallow.

Anyway back to the canvassers. I asked one person what the question on the ballot paper would be. They replied that I would be asked to vote Yes or NO. I asked on what. They said THE TREATY.

I then asked the politician what the question would be and he racked his brain (singular) for a while and remembered what they had been told to say by their political masters, who were sh-one-ting themselves that we might vote No again.

He said that we were going to be asked to vote on replacing an article in our constitution with a new article relating to the treaty. It was the correct answer.

OH NO says his canvasser helper WE CAN'T DO THAT. IF WE WANT TO DO THAT WE HAVE TO HAVE A CONSTITUTIONAL REFERENDUM.

I smiled and continued on my way.

More of me BUKE!

Pal lay on the bed in a haze of smoke. He thought this was unusual since he gave up the fags ten years ago. But he had the wrong end of the matchstick, since it was the Gunship, cuddling close beside him that was sending up that fog of desire he hadn't seen since before the honeymoon.

That was the problem with getting' married: it took all the urgency out of lovemakin'. Before: when he was being encouraged to “hurry up before Mefadder finds us in the hayfield”, he could perform at a speed that was natural for him.

Later when all those cosmopolitan ideas got into her head, about slowing down, having before play, and dressin' up to please, and she brought them into the bedroom: he was lost entirely.

His days of slap bang thank ya mam were gone forever. And his days of two in a bath had arrived. 

God almighty! He felt like a cork in a tight bottleneck beside her in the tub, waiting for the slippery soap being applied to his body to fire him up, up and away, towards the ceiling.

And later the massages: her pummelling him almost to death, him wondering would he buy a jack hammer to knead her muscles like she wanted, since she kept shouting – harder, harder put yer shoulders inta yer work.

So to disperse the fog, he revved up, put on his fog lights, took a very deep breath and dived once more into the fray that was her massive bosoms.

So Pal imagined he was with Polly His Squeeze, but he wasn't so he started, once again, on his unfinished novel as he tried to live up to expectations he didn't expect to have, when he inspected the lovely Martina nee Haveahooley, for the first time.

In the town, people went about their business: they looked cold or hot natured, individualistic,or communal, uncaring or caring, lonely or attached as they kept searching for life's meanings.

He could see them now: moving, skulking away from even the dim street light, back into the tavern glare; seeking solace, those creatures of the brown black midland bogs, dark prairies under the night sky, scurrying back into the bright illumination squeezed by turbines from its heart-turf.

There is no such thing as a free lunch!

I have been reminded lately that when you open up a Google, Facebook or Linkedin account you sign up to things happening you never intended to allow happen to you.

Like for example getting Blog Posts from people you never met, and perhaps who even seem to have an agenda you don't subscribe to, or even have, God forbid, a sense of ironic humour.

In my case I was told that someone received this blog who did not ask for it.

Even when I was explaining to this person, by return comment, that I had removed them from a Circle suggested by Google, I was offered another opportunity by Google to add this person to my circles.

It can even get worse: if you write a letter to a newspaper and mention or quote a famous worldwide author, you may as I did, find a reference to your letter in USA Today or the China Almanac, or some other periodical.

If you attend a meeting to discuss a project being foisted on your area and you join the committee and they collect names, email addresses and mobile phone numbers, and someone writes an article containing the committee details in the “Skerries Online News” or the “Muskatee Sentinel Online” you will find your personal details being given to the World.

So to avoid this I suggest: you remove your Google Profile, cancel your Twitter account, close down your Facebook page, don't sit on committees and don't write letters to newspapers and throw away your smart-phone or Pad and don't ever activate GPS.

THE BIG BROTHERS ARE WATCHING!!!